I’ve heard people describe me in many ways.
Stoic.
Strong.
Direct.
Hardworking.
Brave.
And who knows what other pleasant and not-so-pleasant things they’ve said about me when I’m not listening? The truth is, though, I am both none of those things and all of those things.
Because I am always whatever I need to be. And I sometimes wonder whether that makes me real or fake.
You see, very rarely have I had the opportunity in life to be what I want to be. As a kid I needed to be detached, self-reliant and adaptable. And so I was. Then, when I had Lyss, I became protective, driven, hungry and curious.
With Zack, I evolved to become reflective, thoughtful, and open-minded. As we grew our family I found myself more self-aware, patient and generous.
And all of those different versions of me have come as a response to a need. At times it was the need(s) of the people I love(d). Other times, it was simply the need to grow and survive in this world.
Crazy to think that at 37 years old, I have no solid idea of what/how I would be if I felt I had the freedom to choose for myself.
I sometimes think about what life will be like some years from now. When my days aren’t filled with me being called on. When there is down time and space for nothing. How will I be? How will I respond to myself?
I don't know. But I am eagerly looking forward to meeting me.
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